There are a lot of things that we know we should or need to do. And sometimes we do what we know we should and sometimes we run away like mice from the local feline. Or maybe we get distracted by a beautiful piece of cheddar, and that cheese happens to be a part of a humane mouse trap, except that the mouse trap is not as humane as it appears. And while we're distracted by that one piece of cheese, either the trap or the cat is closing in, whichever happens first.
I have a bad habit of running away from things. My brain knows it, my subconscious tries very hard to plant not so subtle messages into my dreams in order to get me to stop running away and procrastinating. I remember vividly this one specific and obvious dream about having a dragon egg. Someone told me I should get rid of the egg, but I didn't really listen because I hadn't had many bad experiences with eggs before. Except that the egg hatched and it was a dragon. The dragon kept getting bigger and more violent. So I ran around a lot, down roads, through towns, I hid in the church I went to as a kid and some other buildings, but that didn't work and there was just a lot of destruction.
Then I woke up.
My brain really wanted to drill a certain message into my conscious thoughts.
I still haven't learned that lesson. For instance, I know I should study calculus because of how necessary it is for, not only my grades now, but for what I want to do with my life. I should also do my homework to help get into my top colleges, but I am afraid to do my work because I'm afraid to acknowledge the hole I'm digging for myself by not. And thus the hole gets deeper.
I should confront my anxieties (you all must be sick of me bringing this up in posts all the time). I have to be medicated to enter my English class and I have breakdowns at the mention of a medical procedure. I'm just far too scared to actually confront the reasons for them. It's difficult. It's so much easier to just not get check-ups, not admit to any symptoms, to just hide away and not deal with it, whether the underlying reason is a fear of exposure, judgment or a trust issue, I don't know. But I know that like the dragon from my dream, those anxieties and fears are just going to get worse later on when I really do need see a doctor and I could end up getting something I might not have had I been able to confront these issues before. Yet I just keep putting it off.
Those are the two major things on my mind right now. Sometimes I feel like a mouse facing a dragon. I try to take steps in the right directions, yet I know most of the time I'm not putting my all into it. In the end, I need to get up and do what I know I should.
Aw man. this feels angsty. Disregard any angsty tones that may or may not be perceivable as I am too lazy to edit this. Thanks. :D
I like your mouse analogy! And that sounds like a scary dream. Good luck with confronting your anxieties!
ReplyDeleteI would offer some comforting words but I'm sure you have heard them all before (plus I'm not very good at that sort of thing). I hope you start to feel ready to tackle your problems. Hugs.
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