My metaphorical homelessness

Whoops! After suggesting this topic and reminding myself all week to write about it, I totally spaced yesterday. Here's my make up post :)


I've generally had a very strong feeling of "home" throughout my life - it's either been at my parents' house, or at the commune I lived in throughout college. Particularly at the latter, it always felt like home was comfortable, a place to come back to after the busy-ness of the day and relax, be myself, and rest up.

It's a little weird now, because it feels like I don't have much of a home. My hometown is now devoid of my friends, since they've graduated and moved on and the place is left with just lots of memories.

My boyfriend's parents' house is quite nice and comfortable, but since there's a constant internal pressure to make sure I'm looking good in front of his family, I'm always a bit drained there.

And at the place that I actually live, it's someone else's house, so I don't have any agency over it. If it was a roommate situation, I would have some say in things, but even though I'm paying rent here my name is not the name on the lease. It's a situation that's mutually beneficial - I get a little cheaper rent, and they would need someone to be renting anyway - but even though I loaned them the down payment and pay rent, it is distinctly not home. I don't feel entitled to complain (more than a "could you turn that down?") when they have a group of people over and music blaring at midnight on a work night, or tell, rather than ask, that their pet's litter box will be in my room, or take my food, or any number of those small little things that add up to shout "THIS IS NOT YOUR HOME".

I'm a little metaphorically homeless right now. The only place that feels mostly like home is my own small room. Even though it can be altered without my permission, it's that small little space that I have some control over and can basically do what I want within it. It's nice... but I'm looking forward to having a little more say over my living environment when I move out. I know it makes me sound like a control freak, but so much of day-to-day life is uncontrollable and unexpected, that having a steady and stable living environment really helps me relax.

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jig

I had a weird experience with placing my "home" throughout my university years. When I was really young we lived in a few different houses that I barely remember, but from the ages of four to seventeen I lived in the same house. Then, two weeks before I moved away to university, my family moved. It wasn't across the country or anything, just to a different community on the south shore of Nova Scotia, but I didn't exactly have much time to settle in.

So through my first two years, when I lived in residence, there was this weird dichotomy where living on campus felt more like home because I had been there longer than in my parents' house. But it still seemed weird to call Halifax home, because it was this big crazy city, and all of the thing that I was from, that I felt like made me me, were back in the rural areas and small towns where I spent my childhood.

Then I moved out of residence into my first apartment with some of my best friends, and that was when I really started to feel comfortable in the city and come to accept that this was where I was going to be living for a while, and that that was okay.

These days I consider both places home. I've realized that home isn't just where you come from or where you live now. It's anywhere that makes you feel safe and loved and happy. And since it's possible for that to happen in more than one place, it's possible to have your home in more than one place.

Home is Movement and Pins in a Hijab

Time to talk about home.

I don't really consider home to be a specific place. I mean, I can't be a citizen of where I'm from but I never really feel like I'm from America even though it's my passport country. And you know, even when you just move around, to the next country or county, home changes. I consider home to be more of a feeling. Of peace and comfort, a kind of peace and comfort that you can't get anywhere else.

So when I think of home I think of traveling, home to me is being at piece an on the move. Car rides, sitting in the back of a truck in the pouring rain, new scenery, flying in a plane, hotel rooms. That all feels like home to me. Especially when it's with people I love.

Actually If I had to put home in a place, the best I could do is that I'd probably place home in the middle east or at least culture-wise, the food, the dress, I always feel nostalgic when I see a woman wearing a hijab, and for a while I've been considering beginning to where one myself because I absolutely love them, they're beautiful and just comfortable to me. And their origins are more in practicality for the weather and climate rather than any religion.

I'm going to start taking Arabic this coming semester, I'm really excited for it. It's already starting to make me feel like I'm closer to home and I haven't even started it yet.

So yeah, I don't have much to say, that's the best I could say about home. Can't wait to read what you all have to say!

- Sarah

The Themeless Week Became Themed

So I missed my post on Tuesday AND THEN I also missed our new make-up day on Saturday, but I figured I'd just be totally crazy and write my post on Sunday instead (and I promise I'll write another one this Tuesday!).

Just like the rest of you, I too am looking for work. I've had some interviews, some of them for jobs I really wanted, but unfortunately, nothing's panned out for me. I know a few other people around here who are still looking, so I know it's the job market that's bad, but that doesn't really make me feel a whole lot better. I have a degree and I can't even get someone to hire me for the summer! It's so frustrating.

Since my summer is nearly half over, I think that if I don't find anything in the next couple of weeks I'm just going to give up. I can find somewhere to volunteer instead so that at least I have something on my resume. I guess the good thing about still being in school is that I can always get more student loans. I'm already going to be in debt for the rest of my life, so a bit more isn't going to hurt, right?


Sigh.

Good luck to all of you in your job searches!

Not unemployed, but looking for work

I feel a little bad posting about this, since I already have a job. But it is the accidental theme...

So I have a job. I quite like it, for the most part I like the company, and the pay is great - $19 an hour! Except it's only for about 17 hours a week, and I drive an hour each way without reimbursement to do it. So that part's not great.

I picked up an extra job at Target, thinking they needed people, but they also only give me 9 hours a week at minimum wage. I like getting to be around people my own age and socializing since I've been in this city for 6 months and have only made 1 new friend (it's hard making new friends without school, work, or other friends in common!). I'm not so happy with the inconsistency in management; some days my performance is "horrible" and I'm dinged for rules I was never told, other days the exact same work by others is fine and we just get the hell out of there after closing.

So far I have two solutions: 1) my cousin recommended the company that she works with, and I've applied with her as a reference. It cuts my commute in half, and while it would also be very part time, if I'm willing to sub for other tutors (I totally am!) I could get moved up to full time within a month. Even better, it's based in a school so instead of driving back and forth all over, unless I was assigned to work in kids' houses, I would be able to go to one place and stay there for the whole day. I don't know if I can overstate how awesome that is to me; having a freezer/microwave for my lunch, not having to worry about my purse getting stolen out of my car, oh it would be fantastic.

If that doesn't work out, I'm going to get more serious about doing microtasks. I really like Amazon Mechanical Turk, since some of the similar services I've tried feel really... ick. I can't quite put my finger on it. It feels weird to get paid to show someone else using the same service messed up and removing their $.10-$.15. I may also be being arrogant because in one of those places I applied to be an editor, had to sort through a horribly translated Chinese-to-English business "about me" page where it often wasn't even clear what they were trying to saying, and I had my account suspended and payment revoked by a snarky worker who pointed out that I let a spelling error slip through (outilize instead of utilize). Annnyway, rant aside, Mechanical Turk is pretty cool, and I like that they often have lots and lots of the same kind of tasks so I can get into a groove. It's not a living, but I'd be happy if it paid for one of my many tanks of gas each month.

I don't mean to sound whiny here, I know there are lots of people that don't have any job at all, but I'm tired of working 7 days a week between the two jobs to have under 30 hours and be entirely unable to move out of my sister's house while still paying several hundred dollars in rent and utilities. Oh, and stressing out about my car breaking down because of all the miles I've put on it and it being required to earn an income. Since I have nowhere near enough savings to buy a solid used car or enough monthly income to pay a monthly payment, every little sound (even my water bottle hitting the seat) worries me like crazy.

Ok, breathe... breathe. Sometimes I need to not think about these things.

Will you pay me to this?

Looks like we may of stumbled onto an accidental theme this week as I'm also going to talk about my difficulty in finding a job.

Now that I've finished college there is no more money flowing into my account each month. Because I had a bursary I put off getting job during term time but now with about £50 in bank account I've had to start franticly looking. At the moment I'm willing to take just about anything including call centres.

Thus far I've unsuccessful. I realise the whole world is trying to get a job and if there is vacancy it's not around for long. There's also the problem of most jobs require previous experience but I can't get experience if can't get a job. It's a vicious circle. As well as that it also helps if you know someone who already works at the place you're applying to but even then it's not guaranteed to the job.

It's not totally hopeless I know. I've only been unemployed for two weeks or something. I just don't want to be a burden to my parents. I want to be able to go out and do fun stuff during the summer rather than sit inside all day.

Like Sarah I want to sell my art to make some money but then it will cost me some to do it which is rather annoying. I want to make some little artzines to sell online and in a cool little independent comic shop in the city.  But I'll need to see, it might not happen.

On a totally different note I'm still having trouble getting use to the blogger layout despite it being around for a while now.

If you want to do stuff, you need a job

Well, we kind of forgot to pick a theme this week so here I am writing about stuff.

So for the past couple weeks I have been busy as a bee. Why? Because I need a job and my mother won't stay out of my hair until I have been employed.

My last job as a barista was a lucky hit, they were fresh out of baristas at the Stop&Shop and I just happened the walk in the door at the right time. This fact is forever getting rubbed in my face as I wander the Cape Cod Mall filling out application after application. I have gotten one interview, which ended in unemployment and a slew of "Don't call us, we'll call you" statement variations.

For a place that is a major tourist destination, no one seems to need much extra help. But I guess that's what we have Bulgarians for. (No offense to any Bulgarians, it's just something I noticed at Stop&Shop that half the employees are from Bulgaria).

My mother doesn't really seem to care for all the psychological and social progress I've made just by looking for a job. Nor does the universe for that matter as I still am jobless. Previously I couldn't even walk up to a desk and ask for a piece of paper, other people had to order food for me or walk into a store next to me. I could barely do anything buy myself and now that I have been going to therapy and have started taking anxiety meds, I'm driving all over the place, talking to people about jobs, going to interviews and filling out applications. I talk without hesitation to people I've never met. I even fended off some guy hitting on me without breaking down. How is that for progress?

But somebody in the universe doesn't seem to care.

Heck I'm trying to find ways to attract commissions on DA, I'm practicing art like crazy on and off the computer even if I'm not uploading it. I want to start uploading some high quality original work.

I was even looking at starting an Etsy store for bracelets I know how to make. Which only reminded me of the things I want to be able to spend money on. Like corset sewing patterns because I really love steampunk and the Victorian era and conventions.

And now I'm off to go fill out more job applications! Wish me luck guys! I need it.