My metaphorical homelessness

Whoops! After suggesting this topic and reminding myself all week to write about it, I totally spaced yesterday. Here's my make up post :)


I've generally had a very strong feeling of "home" throughout my life - it's either been at my parents' house, or at the commune I lived in throughout college. Particularly at the latter, it always felt like home was comfortable, a place to come back to after the busy-ness of the day and relax, be myself, and rest up.

It's a little weird now, because it feels like I don't have much of a home. My hometown is now devoid of my friends, since they've graduated and moved on and the place is left with just lots of memories.

My boyfriend's parents' house is quite nice and comfortable, but since there's a constant internal pressure to make sure I'm looking good in front of his family, I'm always a bit drained there.

And at the place that I actually live, it's someone else's house, so I don't have any agency over it. If it was a roommate situation, I would have some say in things, but even though I'm paying rent here my name is not the name on the lease. It's a situation that's mutually beneficial - I get a little cheaper rent, and they would need someone to be renting anyway - but even though I loaned them the down payment and pay rent, it is distinctly not home. I don't feel entitled to complain (more than a "could you turn that down?") when they have a group of people over and music blaring at midnight on a work night, or tell, rather than ask, that their pet's litter box will be in my room, or take my food, or any number of those small little things that add up to shout "THIS IS NOT YOUR HOME".

I'm a little metaphorically homeless right now. The only place that feels mostly like home is my own small room. Even though it can be altered without my permission, it's that small little space that I have some control over and can basically do what I want within it. It's nice... but I'm looking forward to having a little more say over my living environment when I move out. I know it makes me sound like a control freak, but so much of day-to-day life is uncontrollable and unexpected, that having a steady and stable living environment really helps me relax.