I feel better now.

It's time to write a letter to the past, something that we all wish we could do in reality, I know I do. I actually need to write to two people in the same time period. Grammar/register/tense is really difficult when hypothetical letter time travel is involved.

Dear Sarah-Of-The-Past,

So right now you've been really sick and you just got admitted to the hospital. It's turning out that you're not going home so quick as you think and I know that you are going to a series of bad anxiety attacks over the next couple of days. And yes, the hospital food will be as gross as any horror story you've ever heard.

But I'm writing to you from the future to tell you that, while things are miserable right now, they will get better. No, you don't have any tropical parasite, and no you don't have Crohn's. All you are is really sick and you will get better mostly.

Because you will end up going to therapy after this, that'll be after you go to Costa Rica, but it does help, we/I/you just went back to the hospital recently for jaw surgery (same room too), and I advocated to the doctors that I needed to know everything that was happening in order to remain calm, and that trying to distract me was not going to help me. I barely had a full on anxiety attack.

While the mentionings of certain medical procedures still make me uncomfortable I no longer breakdown at the mere words. And so while I'm still trying to improve this isn't something that will hold you back forever, you can get better.

Also, prom coming up next week, those super antibiotics and additional ten pills they give you when you leave the hospital are going to make you lactose intolerant. So in addition to being mildly allergic to coffee, it's going to be hell if you drink coffee there. Don't. Seriously. Anxiety attacks mixed with pain made us leave, very awkwardly, It's the end of senior year for me, we still haven't talked to him about what happened and nor has he. It's been really awkward.

By the way, our therapist will be really nice, so don't freak out.

Smith doesn't accept you, best be prepared early. Neither do your other top schools. :D

Sincerely,

Your Future


Additional SECOND LETTER BONUS

Dear Boy-I-Went-To-Prom-With-Last-Year-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named,

Past me will never talk to you about what happened at prom, so this is her future self writing to talk to past you while the incident is still fresh because Lord knows I will never talk to future you about it now with the next prom coming up so soon.

Past me was just released from the hospital for unknown illnesses and on some serious medication that really messed with what she was able to eat and drink. She got sick again. She was in a lot of pain and that gave her an anxiety attack because she was so afraid of going back to the hospital (she had to schedule and MRI after), she didn't want you or anyone else to see her go through the whole breakdown because it is rather embarrassing and messy. But do know that you were an absolute gentleman, getting her a ride home and even bringing her the champagne glass candle and other goodies the next day (I will address that later).

Past Sarah didn't know this, but she had two anxiety attacks at once that night. I wasn't really able to figure out specifically what triggers them until after going to therapy, which was months after prom. Physical contact is a major one. We have issues with that. And while dancing with you and standing next to you on the balcony was wonderful, it set off. I'm finally being able to address the issue that physical contact with people is very very uncomfortable for me. Now I can move on to dealing with it more easily.

Past Sarah and current me still feel awful about the next day when we sort of avoided you when you tried to give us those gifts. And that was because she was too embarrassed to try and explain what happened. I'm not trying to make excuses for her, I don't feel like she deserves any sympathy, I feel she acted like an absolute ***** still.

So now you will never know because you are never going to read this.

Hoping we can be friends again,

Future Sarah


OKAY, had to put that second letter in, because it still bothers me. Sorry for the dumb high school drama, he was a good friend and I kind of ruined everything by ditching and not speaking about it. This theme was a good excuse to write that letter I was going to write in my physical journal. And I had a really tough time trying to deal with all those issues because they all kind of surfaced at once, I never really had to deal with them before until those couple weeks.