As of last week I'm officially done school for another year, so that's pretty exciting. I haven't actually found a summer job yet, so I've got some free time on my hands at least for the next little while.
So far I've been using the time mostly to read and clean. One of my first priorities the day after my last exam was to go to the library (beaten only by sleeping in, and finally seeing The Hunger Games), so I have a good stack of books that I'm working my way through. My ultimate goal is to read books off of my to-read list faster than I can add more to it, but I never seem to be able to maintain that pace long enough to put a significant dent in it.
As for cleaning, I got hit by the spring cleaning bug a few weeks back and was actually antsy to be cleaning things all the way through exams. I'm about 90% finished with my room now, so after I finish up the last few touches tomorrow I can move on to the rest of the house. Freshly cleaned things just make me so happy, having basically my whole room be clean all at the same time is so refreshing and wonderful.
I also went home over the weekend to visit my parents. It was nice to see them, and to get out of the city for a little while. Also my dad showed me how to do my taxes, which is one of those things that I've sort of always had on the list in my head of things that will make me "a real grown up." But it was actually pretty straightforward, and I don't really feel any more grown up than I did before.
Anyway, I'm really looking forward to summer. I have a lot of things I want to do this summer, although I always do at the beginning of summer, and I never seem to get them all done. But I want to get back on a regular exercise schedule, experiment with cooking new things, read a lot of books, do some writing, finish knitting a sweater I've been working on for four and a half years, start learning a new language (maybe Spanish?) through LiveMocha, get caught up on learning computer programming through Code Year, and maybe start a small garden in planters on my deck. And, you know, hang out with friends, go to the beach, eat lots of ice cream, and all the other normal summer activities. I don't know whether I'll actually be able to fit all that in, but hopefully I can at least do some of it.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
WELL THEN, BLOGGER
BLOGGER, WHAT DID YOU DO?
YOU'RE SCARING ME.
Hey guys, I think blogger changed, it scared me silly when I logged in, I had no idea where I was supposed to go for a few minutes. But I survived.
We forgot to choose another theme for this week. Therefore I shall ramble for a couple of paragraphs.
First subject: Anime Boston 2012
Earlier this month was AB12 and I was a little sad because I didn't get to cosplay my Weeping Angel, nor was I capable of eating due to still having my jaw wired from surgery, but I did get to cosplay Amy Pond! I was her for the whole weekend, I actually want to dye my hair ginger now, not just because it would help for a far more accurate cosplay of her, but also because I really like red hair.
So I cosplayed her outfit from Time of Angels and I thought for a while no one would recognize me until some guy turned around and shouted "Come along, Pond!" and then my weekend began.
I went to the Saturday BBC photoshoot and it was full of whovians and sherlockians, it was fantastic. Some photos got reblogged on Tumblr too, http://doctorwho.tumblr.com/post/20697940769/anime-boston-bbc-meetup-canthisgetanyworse. I was not paying any attention for the ones I'm in here (was asking someone to move my bag I think), but you can probably see others that I'm tagged in on facebook. I should really upload mine. One of my friends was cosplaying the sixth doctor and we ran into two weeping angels and he decided to push me at them all I could think with that was "Doctor, you're supposed to be saving me from the angels, not throwing me in the ring with them!" It was so much fun.
Next year I plan to cosplay Restac and I'm starting my planning early this time because the difficulty level has upped significantly.
I'm going to try and get as accurate as possible so I've been researching the methods used on the show in order to try and duplicate them to the best of my ability.
Also I've been reading like crazy lately. It turns out that reading is an awful habit for me as I never get anything done. But I have missed reading like crazy, I feel like I haven't had time in over two years, which is true. So I can't wait for the summer to be able to read constantly. I've got quite a list of books I need to read. But I also need money in order to purchase books so I think I'll be applying for a job at the Barnes & Noble on Cape. I can't think of a better summer job.
Finally, I've just decided today on which college I'll be attending. I've decided to go to Wheaton College in Norton, MA. It's not that far from where I live, about two hours I think? Not as far as I'd like and I plan to try and transfer into MHC or Smith at one point but Wheaton is a really great place and I'm pretty excited to go. I didn't really have much of a choice, they gave me so much aid that my mother said I'd have to pay my own way if I wanted to go anywhere else. So it's probably a good thing I like Wheaton. It's nice to be certain about next year, a really big relief and now I can focus on just getting through the rest of the year (graduation on June 3rd). I'm both excited and nervous about living away from home and especially the idea of a roommate.
Well This is getting really long so I'm going to cut off awkwardly without any really closure to anything mentioned. Especially this paragraph.
YOU'RE SCARING ME.
Hey guys, I think blogger changed, it scared me silly when I logged in, I had no idea where I was supposed to go for a few minutes. But I survived.
We forgot to choose another theme for this week. Therefore I shall ramble for a couple of paragraphs.
First subject: Anime Boston 2012
Earlier this month was AB12 and I was a little sad because I didn't get to cosplay my Weeping Angel, nor was I capable of eating due to still having my jaw wired from surgery, but I did get to cosplay Amy Pond! I was her for the whole weekend, I actually want to dye my hair ginger now, not just because it would help for a far more accurate cosplay of her, but also because I really like red hair.
So I cosplayed her outfit from Time of Angels and I thought for a while no one would recognize me until some guy turned around and shouted "Come along, Pond!" and then my weekend began.
I went to the Saturday BBC photoshoot and it was full of whovians and sherlockians, it was fantastic. Some photos got reblogged on Tumblr too, http://doctorwho.tumblr.com/post/20697940769/anime-boston-bbc-meetup-canthisgetanyworse. I was not paying any attention for the ones I'm in here (was asking someone to move my bag I think), but you can probably see others that I'm tagged in on facebook. I should really upload mine. One of my friends was cosplaying the sixth doctor and we ran into two weeping angels and he decided to push me at them all I could think with that was "Doctor, you're supposed to be saving me from the angels, not throwing me in the ring with them!" It was so much fun.
Next year I plan to cosplay Restac and I'm starting my planning early this time because the difficulty level has upped significantly.
Also I've been reading like crazy lately. It turns out that reading is an awful habit for me as I never get anything done. But I have missed reading like crazy, I feel like I haven't had time in over two years, which is true. So I can't wait for the summer to be able to read constantly. I've got quite a list of books I need to read. But I also need money in order to purchase books so I think I'll be applying for a job at the Barnes & Noble on Cape. I can't think of a better summer job.
Finally, I've just decided today on which college I'll be attending. I've decided to go to Wheaton College in Norton, MA. It's not that far from where I live, about two hours I think? Not as far as I'd like and I plan to try and transfer into MHC or Smith at one point but Wheaton is a really great place and I'm pretty excited to go. I didn't really have much of a choice, they gave me so much aid that my mother said I'd have to pay my own way if I wanted to go anywhere else. So it's probably a good thing I like Wheaton. It's nice to be certain about next year, a really big relief and now I can focus on just getting through the rest of the year (graduation on June 3rd). I'm both excited and nervous about living away from home and especially the idea of a roommate.
Well This is getting really long so I'm going to cut off awkwardly without any really closure to anything mentioned. Especially this paragraph.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Silly Unpopular Opinion
On the surface, this is definitely not as controversial as Sarah's, but it seems like people get really heated up about it.
I've suspected it for a long time; when I was growing up, while I never hated my parents' dogs, I was never particularly inclined to play with them. I thought my neutrality/mild dislike was due to their lack of training (and thus lots of pee stains everywhere). I assumed that my lack of enthusiasm for my sister's pitbull was due to the fact that he's huge and still thinks he's a lapdog. But it wasn't until I had to live with one again when my sister and her fiance adopted one that I could say for sure:
I don't like dogs. Particularly puppies.
I mean, don't get me wrong, this guy is adorable:
I've suspected it for a long time; when I was growing up, while I never hated my parents' dogs, I was never particularly inclined to play with them. I thought my neutrality/mild dislike was due to their lack of training (and thus lots of pee stains everywhere). I assumed that my lack of enthusiasm for my sister's pitbull was due to the fact that he's huge and still thinks he's a lapdog. But it wasn't until I had to live with one again when my sister and her fiance adopted one that I could say for sure:
I don't like dogs. Particularly puppies.
I mean, don't get me wrong, this guy is adorable:
But there's a huge difference between seeing he's cute, and actually dealing with him when he finds his way into my laundry and chews through my underwear, starts stealing food off counters and from the trash, tries to hide his poop in corners, and comically misunderstands the cat's warnings as trying to play, terrifying her so much that she can almost never leave my room and has a hard time going to her food.
I much prefer the company of cats, particularly the cat I'm living with. I like coming home to a cat snaking her way through my legs, purring softly, while I make sure she's fed and watered and having her occasionally snuggle up with me while I read or work on the computer (even if sometimes it results in her waking back and forth repeatedly in front of my computer/book/phone as if saying "pay attention to me already!"). I like laughing at her when there's a moth trapped in my room and she dances all over the place trying to catch it, or squishes her head through the blinds to stare at the birds outside and make strange meowing/purring noises at them.
It's a nice relationship - we both give each other some attention but mostly do our own thing. As opposed to dogs, which seem to require much more attention than I really care to give. I don't hate them, and I can put up with them, but I would always choose a cat or no pet at all before I owned a dog.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Unpopular Opinions Are Controversial
I'm a little nervous about this. I normally keep to myself when I'm aware my opinion on something is unpopular. Also I could be wrong about every single thing I'm about to say so feel free to correct me or argue with me or shun me forever.
I'm going to get the major one out of the way though. Anthropogenic global warming (global warming in the view that it is entirely the fault of homo sapiens). It's a very hip and popular to be of the opinion that humans are the scourge of the Earth and everything would be so much better without us. Especially when it comes to climate change. But I kind of want to optimistic about our species, part of me thinks it is slightly arrogant as well to think that we could have so much of an impact in so little time. We've only measured temperatures around the world for what? 200 years or less? Compare that to the age of the planet, 4.6x10e9 years (depending on what your religious views would dictate). When you look at that, we've only made thermal observations for about 4.35e-8% (0.00000000435%) of the Earth's existence. In my opinion, that's a very short amount of time to be making serious claims about the environment. We have evidence from investigation that the climate of the Earth has changed dramatically time and time again, the continents have broken and reformed time and time again. We know that the global temperature and composition of the atmosphere has never been a constant.
So there are a lot of people around me who believe that change in global climate is solely the fault of humans and must be REVERSED. I just disagree with that, I'd be far more concerned if the climate stopped changing. I believe we have an impact, but I also believe that we haven't been studying for long enough to be truly certain about anything. I also have slight problems with how the Precautionary Principle is applied to the making of laws, it can get out of hand since it does not require much evidence/proof to ban or create restrictions.
I believe we should be cleaner, make sure that what we use can be replaced or just used more efficiently. I also have to say that just because someone says something is more efficient in energy production it doesn't mean anything about the actual power output. Efficiency being the total output of usable energy over the total input. You could say that solar is more efficient than nuclear, but nuclear can still put out far more energy that solar can. And a lot of green energy sources still have major drawbacks, such as deforestation for solar panels and wind turbines, also the side effects those can have on local wildlife populations. thus in trying to save the environment from pollution you end up cutting down vegetation and clearing large areas to set up green energy sources.
I don't want to sound like I'm saying that we should stop efforts to make things greener or stop caring completely to the point that things do get bad if the case is that our impact does become too great. But a lot of people, primarily in my school, go around saying how horrible a species we are that we're destroying the planet and that we should be trying to cool the Earth down and that we should just all switch to solar and wind. I just tend to notice that there are some issues to many proposed green energy sources, they won't work everywhere and can cause more harm than good depending on what you want to use and where and then that climate change has been apart of our history and there is much evidence to support that drastic changes in the Earth's climate have facilitated the evolution of Earth's organisms, who knows? It may be a good thing. I'm kind of neutral on the subject for the most part and try not to talk about it.
I'm going to get the major one out of the way though. Anthropogenic global warming (global warming in the view that it is entirely the fault of homo sapiens). It's a very hip and popular to be of the opinion that humans are the scourge of the Earth and everything would be so much better without us. Especially when it comes to climate change. But I kind of want to optimistic about our species, part of me thinks it is slightly arrogant as well to think that we could have so much of an impact in so little time. We've only measured temperatures around the world for what? 200 years or less? Compare that to the age of the planet, 4.6x10e9 years (depending on what your religious views would dictate). When you look at that, we've only made thermal observations for about 4.35e-8% (0.00000000435%) of the Earth's existence. In my opinion, that's a very short amount of time to be making serious claims about the environment. We have evidence from investigation that the climate of the Earth has changed dramatically time and time again, the continents have broken and reformed time and time again. We know that the global temperature and composition of the atmosphere has never been a constant.
So there are a lot of people around me who believe that change in global climate is solely the fault of humans and must be REVERSED. I just disagree with that, I'd be far more concerned if the climate stopped changing. I believe we have an impact, but I also believe that we haven't been studying for long enough to be truly certain about anything. I also have slight problems with how the Precautionary Principle is applied to the making of laws, it can get out of hand since it does not require much evidence/proof to ban or create restrictions.
I believe we should be cleaner, make sure that what we use can be replaced or just used more efficiently. I also have to say that just because someone says something is more efficient in energy production it doesn't mean anything about the actual power output. Efficiency being the total output of usable energy over the total input. You could say that solar is more efficient than nuclear, but nuclear can still put out far more energy that solar can. And a lot of green energy sources still have major drawbacks, such as deforestation for solar panels and wind turbines, also the side effects those can have on local wildlife populations. thus in trying to save the environment from pollution you end up cutting down vegetation and clearing large areas to set up green energy sources.
I don't want to sound like I'm saying that we should stop efforts to make things greener or stop caring completely to the point that things do get bad if the case is that our impact does become too great. But a lot of people, primarily in my school, go around saying how horrible a species we are that we're destroying the planet and that we should be trying to cool the Earth down and that we should just all switch to solar and wind. I just tend to notice that there are some issues to many proposed green energy sources, they won't work everywhere and can cause more harm than good depending on what you want to use and where and then that climate change has been apart of our history and there is much evidence to support that drastic changes in the Earth's climate have facilitated the evolution of Earth's organisms, who knows? It may be a good thing. I'm kind of neutral on the subject for the most part and try not to talk about it.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Some Musings on Exams
I'm going to come clean about something here: I enjoy writing exams.
I hate everything leading up to them. I hate the studying. I hate all the stress. I hate the pressure of having most or all of my mark come from a single evaluation. I hate not knowing what's going to be waiting for me in the exam room.
But once I get there, that all fades away. It's just the right amount of pressure to push me to an ideal mental state. When it comes down to just me and the exam, it's nothing but a fun academic puzzle that I get to sort out. I love it.
I'm especially enjoying exams right now because most of my classes are 100% finals, so I haven't had many opportunities to test my knowledge over the course of the term. But now, when I went in to write those exams, I had the sudden, whooshing realization that I actually did learn a lot of stuff this year. It was really satisfying, especially since I've been questioning all year whether law school was the right decision, and that realization went a long way toward making the decision feel justified.
I also had this moment while I was in the exam room where I just became very aware of everyone around me and how hard all the 100 or so people in the room working at that moment. Everyone, at the same time, pouring their knowledge onto the page, answering the same questions, seeking the same answers. Even though it is a competition, even though everyone hopes at least a little bit that everyone else does poorly to push themselves higher up the curve, at that moment it really felt like we were all in it together. Whatever differences we had throughout the year, whatever anyone thinks of anyone else, when we were in that exam room, we were all on the same team, we all wanted the same thing. It was a really powerful and positive feeling and I wish that education, or even just life, could have moments like that more often.
I hate everything leading up to them. I hate the studying. I hate all the stress. I hate the pressure of having most or all of my mark come from a single evaluation. I hate not knowing what's going to be waiting for me in the exam room.
But once I get there, that all fades away. It's just the right amount of pressure to push me to an ideal mental state. When it comes down to just me and the exam, it's nothing but a fun academic puzzle that I get to sort out. I love it.
I'm especially enjoying exams right now because most of my classes are 100% finals, so I haven't had many opportunities to test my knowledge over the course of the term. But now, when I went in to write those exams, I had the sudden, whooshing realization that I actually did learn a lot of stuff this year. It was really satisfying, especially since I've been questioning all year whether law school was the right decision, and that realization went a long way toward making the decision feel justified.
I also had this moment while I was in the exam room where I just became very aware of everyone around me and how hard all the 100 or so people in the room working at that moment. Everyone, at the same time, pouring their knowledge onto the page, answering the same questions, seeking the same answers. Even though it is a competition, even though everyone hopes at least a little bit that everyone else does poorly to push themselves higher up the curve, at that moment it really felt like we were all in it together. Whatever differences we had throughout the year, whatever anyone thinks of anyone else, when we were in that exam room, we were all on the same team, we all wanted the same thing. It was a really powerful and positive feeling and I wish that education, or even just life, could have moments like that more often.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Dear 13 Year Old Rachel
Hi Rachel, while this may come as a shock to you, I'm you... from the future. I don't really have time to get into the mechanics of it (sometimes time gets all wibbly-wobbly and timey-wimey and there's really no more eloquent way to put it) but there are a few things I'd like to fill you in on.
So I know that you've had a rough time; being homeschooled for most of your life and then dumped into the lion's den of a small junior high when you're already naturally introverted makes for a pretty rough transition. I know that you're excited to leave it behind and start fresh in high school, and that's why I chose this moment to talk to you (if it was before this point it would've pretty much been "keep your head up, good luck" and that is just not an effective use of time travelling letters).
You're still really really young and trying to find out who you are, and that's fantastic, but I want to remind you of something: just because you don't know who you are, that doesn't mean you can't still tell who you're not. It's ok to dabble in being an uber girly girl, a stereotypical Christian girl, a punk girl, a geek, an artist, etc, but when you realize that it doesn't feel right and you're having to fake it to fit in, it's time to move on.
(Spoiler!) You....I...(we?) come out mostly on the geek end of things. There's still some of those domestic good Christian wife traits, some artsy, and on occasion some distinctly feminine traits come out, and that's cool - you're a rounded human being rather than a label, so it's okay to have different interests.
Now that you're not feeling great about the prospect of looking forward to being bullied for the rest of your life for being a geek, I'd like to present you with this [13 year old Rachel would be shocked by the a- and b-words, but I'd venture you girls can take it]
That's not a joke, or making fun of geeks - those are people who are geeks and act in a popular webseries about geeks, talking about how now they're cool. Yep, being a certain kind of geek definitely becomes cool in a few years. It's worth your while to make sure you get into honors/advanced placement classes in high school, since that's where you'll really start to dig into geek culture.
That about wraps it up, but a few quick notes: don't date that boy you get a crush on in freshman English; he's gay, and it doesn't work out well. In fact, don't date his best friend later either, because you'll only be able to see his douchebaggery and misogyny after the fact. It's ok to make friends with the bubbly extroverted girl in most of your classes, but don't let being her friend become your identity, both because that's not healthy and because she "dumps" your friendship several times, and the more tied into her your identity is, the more that's going to hurt.
Whelp, I need to get to work (no spoilers on that path though), so good luck.
Oh! And when Doctor Who comes out on BBC in about a year, watch it. Trust me.
So I know that you've had a rough time; being homeschooled for most of your life and then dumped into the lion's den of a small junior high when you're already naturally introverted makes for a pretty rough transition. I know that you're excited to leave it behind and start fresh in high school, and that's why I chose this moment to talk to you (if it was before this point it would've pretty much been "keep your head up, good luck" and that is just not an effective use of time travelling letters).
You're still really really young and trying to find out who you are, and that's fantastic, but I want to remind you of something: just because you don't know who you are, that doesn't mean you can't still tell who you're not. It's ok to dabble in being an uber girly girl, a stereotypical Christian girl, a punk girl, a geek, an artist, etc, but when you realize that it doesn't feel right and you're having to fake it to fit in, it's time to move on.
(Spoiler!) You....I...(we?) come out mostly on the geek end of things. There's still some of those domestic good Christian wife traits, some artsy, and on occasion some distinctly feminine traits come out, and that's cool - you're a rounded human being rather than a label, so it's okay to have different interests.
Now that you're not feeling great about the prospect of looking forward to being bullied for the rest of your life for being a geek, I'd like to present you with this [13 year old Rachel would be shocked by the a- and b-words, but I'd venture you girls can take it]
That's not a joke, or making fun of geeks - those are people who are geeks and act in a popular webseries about geeks, talking about how now they're cool. Yep, being a certain kind of geek definitely becomes cool in a few years. It's worth your while to make sure you get into honors/advanced placement classes in high school, since that's where you'll really start to dig into geek culture.
That about wraps it up, but a few quick notes: don't date that boy you get a crush on in freshman English; he's gay, and it doesn't work out well. In fact, don't date his best friend later either, because you'll only be able to see his douchebaggery and misogyny after the fact. It's ok to make friends with the bubbly extroverted girl in most of your classes, but don't let being her friend become your identity, both because that's not healthy and because she "dumps" your friendship several times, and the more tied into her your identity is, the more that's going to hurt.
Whelp, I need to get to work (no spoilers on that path though), so good luck.
Oh! And when Doctor Who comes out on BBC in about a year, watch it. Trust me.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Letter to the past
Dear Past-Sophie,
Even though your parents divorce hasn't completely screwed you up, there are a few things to remember.
Like everyone says, it's not your fault, sometimes people just grow apart. They still love you.
Step parents aren't evil and villainous like in books and movies, it's probably time to stop reading Jacqueline Wilson books. At most they are a little annoying.
And believe it or not other people can have parents that are happy together, so don't get freaked out when you see your friends parent hold hand or other such stupid things.
You'll have to learn to put up with your mum moaning and bitching about your dad for many years and mostly about the same things but remember that sometime mum doesn't really have anyone who will listen to her.
On the whole you are going to come out of this relatively undamaged, which is good but try and help a bit more. Oh and you'll get twice as many birthday present one of the better bonuses of divorced parents.
Yours,
Future-Sophie.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
This letter is addressed to myself in September of 2008.
Dear Past-Katie,
I know you feel like you're having a pretty rough go of things at the moment, but I have an unfortunate piece of news for you: you're bringing a lot of it on yourself. Luckily, I have a few pieces of advice that could help make things a lot easier.
First, be honest. I know you think you're sparing his feelings by hiding the truth from him, but you're not. Making up excuses is actually making it harder in the long run. Also, you know you're bad at lying, so why are you even trying? Just tell him what the problem is, and the whole thing will be over a lot sooner.
Second, don't run away from things that are difficult. You always run away from your problems, you always have, and to be honest, you till do it sometimes even where I am in the future. You are doing this in two ways right now. One of them is the same problem as above. That is going to be a hard conversation, but you need to do it anyway. The second hasn't actually happened yet, but you need to be ready for it.
The thing you want so badly is going to be a real possibility next month. That's right. He likes you too. But I put it off because you screwed the above situation up so bad that it's too messy at the time. And even after that, I shut the door more or less permanently because I was scared. Scared of the commitment, scared of ruining your friendship, scared that it won't work out... Don't do that. The decision I made was just as bad. If you do run away, at the very least have the decency to tell him that, because that little bit of awkwardness and tension created by leaving things hanging takes a very long time to go away.
One final note: I know you feel like everyone's abandoned you, but it turns out a lot of them weren't having the easiest time just then either. So, pick up the phone and call them, show up at their houses, do whatever it takes, just don't always wait for them to come to you first. Also, don't worry so much about making new friends to hang out with on campus. That does come, in time, slowly and gradually, so just let it happen. It's probably better to pay a little more attention to your old friends instead, and hold onto them a little tighter.
Sincerely,
Future-Katie
Dear Past-Katie,
I know you feel like you're having a pretty rough go of things at the moment, but I have an unfortunate piece of news for you: you're bringing a lot of it on yourself. Luckily, I have a few pieces of advice that could help make things a lot easier.
First, be honest. I know you think you're sparing his feelings by hiding the truth from him, but you're not. Making up excuses is actually making it harder in the long run. Also, you know you're bad at lying, so why are you even trying? Just tell him what the problem is, and the whole thing will be over a lot sooner.
Second, don't run away from things that are difficult. You always run away from your problems, you always have, and to be honest, you till do it sometimes even where I am in the future. You are doing this in two ways right now. One of them is the same problem as above. That is going to be a hard conversation, but you need to do it anyway. The second hasn't actually happened yet, but you need to be ready for it.
The thing you want so badly is going to be a real possibility next month. That's right. He likes you too. But I put it off because you screwed the above situation up so bad that it's too messy at the time. And even after that, I shut the door more or less permanently because I was scared. Scared of the commitment, scared of ruining your friendship, scared that it won't work out... Don't do that. The decision I made was just as bad. If you do run away, at the very least have the decency to tell him that, because that little bit of awkwardness and tension created by leaving things hanging takes a very long time to go away.
One final note: I know you feel like everyone's abandoned you, but it turns out a lot of them weren't having the easiest time just then either. So, pick up the phone and call them, show up at their houses, do whatever it takes, just don't always wait for them to come to you first. Also, don't worry so much about making new friends to hang out with on campus. That does come, in time, slowly and gradually, so just let it happen. It's probably better to pay a little more attention to your old friends instead, and hold onto them a little tighter.
Sincerely,
Future-Katie
Monday, April 2, 2012
I feel better now.
It's time to write a letter to the past, something that we all wish we could do in reality, I know I do. I actually need to write to two people in the same time period. Grammar/register/tense is really difficult when hypothetical letter time travel is involved.
Dear Sarah-Of-The-Past,
So right now you've been really sick and you just got admitted to the hospital. It's turning out that you're not going home so quick as you think and I know that you are going to a series of bad anxiety attacks over the next couple of days. And yes, the hospital food will be as gross as any horror story you've ever heard.
But I'm writing to you from the future to tell you that, while things are miserable right now, they will get better. No, you don't have any tropical parasite, and no you don't have Crohn's. All you are is really sick and you will get better mostly.
Because you will end up going to therapy after this, that'll be after you go to Costa Rica, but it does help, we/I/you just went back to the hospital recently for jaw surgery (same room too), and I advocated to the doctors that I needed to know everything that was happening in order to remain calm, and that trying to distract me was not going to help me. I barely had a full on anxiety attack.
While the mentionings of certain medical procedures still make me uncomfortable I no longer breakdown at the mere words. And so while I'm still trying to improve this isn't something that will hold you back forever, you can get better.
Also, prom coming up next week, those super antibiotics and additional ten pills they give you when you leave the hospital are going to make you lactose intolerant. So in addition to being mildly allergic to coffee, it's going to be hell if you drink coffee there. Don't. Seriously. Anxiety attacks mixed with pain made us leave, very awkwardly, It's the end of senior year for me, we still haven't talked to him about what happened and nor has he. It's been really awkward.
By the way, our therapist will be really nice, so don't freak out.
Smith doesn't accept you, best be prepared early. Neither do your other top schools. :D
Sincerely,
Your Future
Additional SECOND LETTER BONUS
Dear Boy-I-Went-To-Prom-With-Last-Year-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named,
Past me will never talk to you about what happened at prom, so this is her future self writing to talk to past you while the incident is still fresh because Lord knows I will never talk to future you about it now with the next prom coming up so soon.
Past me was just released from the hospital for unknown illnesses and on some serious medication that really messed with what she was able to eat and drink. She got sick again. She was in a lot of pain and that gave her an anxiety attack because she was so afraid of going back to the hospital (she had to schedule and MRI after), she didn't want you or anyone else to see her go through the whole breakdown because it is rather embarrassing and messy. But do know that you were an absolute gentleman, getting her a ride home and even bringing her the champagne glass candle and other goodies the next day (I will address that later).
Past Sarah didn't know this, but she had two anxiety attacks at once that night. I wasn't really able to figure out specifically what triggers them until after going to therapy, which was months after prom. Physical contact is a major one. We have issues with that. And while dancing with you and standing next to you on the balcony was wonderful, it set off. I'm finally being able to address the issue that physical contact with people is very very uncomfortable for me. Now I can move on to dealing with it more easily.
Past Sarah and current me still feel awful about the next day when we sort of avoided you when you tried to give us those gifts. And that was because she was too embarrassed to try and explain what happened. I'm not trying to make excuses for her, I don't feel like she deserves any sympathy, I feel she acted like an absolute ***** still.
So now you will never know because you are never going to read this.
Hoping we can be friends again,
Future Sarah
OKAY, had to put that second letter in, because it still bothers me. Sorry for the dumb high school drama, he was a good friend and I kind of ruined everything by ditching and not speaking about it. This theme was a good excuse to write that letter I was going to write in my physical journal. And I had a really tough time trying to deal with all those issues because they all kind of surfaced at once, I never really had to deal with them before until those couple weeks.
Dear Sarah-Of-The-Past,
So right now you've been really sick and you just got admitted to the hospital. It's turning out that you're not going home so quick as you think and I know that you are going to a series of bad anxiety attacks over the next couple of days. And yes, the hospital food will be as gross as any horror story you've ever heard.
But I'm writing to you from the future to tell you that, while things are miserable right now, they will get better. No, you don't have any tropical parasite, and no you don't have Crohn's. All you are is really sick and you will get better mostly.
Because you will end up going to therapy after this, that'll be after you go to Costa Rica, but it does help, we/I/you just went back to the hospital recently for jaw surgery (same room too), and I advocated to the doctors that I needed to know everything that was happening in order to remain calm, and that trying to distract me was not going to help me. I barely had a full on anxiety attack.
While the mentionings of certain medical procedures still make me uncomfortable I no longer breakdown at the mere words. And so while I'm still trying to improve this isn't something that will hold you back forever, you can get better.
Also, prom coming up next week, those super antibiotics and additional ten pills they give you when you leave the hospital are going to make you lactose intolerant. So in addition to being mildly allergic to coffee, it's going to be hell if you drink coffee there. Don't. Seriously. Anxiety attacks mixed with pain made us leave, very awkwardly, It's the end of senior year for me, we still haven't talked to him about what happened and nor has he. It's been really awkward.
By the way, our therapist will be really nice, so don't freak out.
Smith doesn't accept you, best be prepared early. Neither do your other top schools. :D
Sincerely,
Your Future
Additional SECOND LETTER BONUS
Dear Boy-I-Went-To-Prom-With-Last-Year-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named,
Past me will never talk to you about what happened at prom, so this is her future self writing to talk to past you while the incident is still fresh because Lord knows I will never talk to future you about it now with the next prom coming up so soon.
Past me was just released from the hospital for unknown illnesses and on some serious medication that really messed with what she was able to eat and drink. She got sick again. She was in a lot of pain and that gave her an anxiety attack because she was so afraid of going back to the hospital (she had to schedule and MRI after), she didn't want you or anyone else to see her go through the whole breakdown because it is rather embarrassing and messy. But do know that you were an absolute gentleman, getting her a ride home and even bringing her the champagne glass candle and other goodies the next day (I will address that later).
Past Sarah didn't know this, but she had two anxiety attacks at once that night. I wasn't really able to figure out specifically what triggers them until after going to therapy, which was months after prom. Physical contact is a major one. We have issues with that. And while dancing with you and standing next to you on the balcony was wonderful, it set off. I'm finally being able to address the issue that physical contact with people is very very uncomfortable for me. Now I can move on to dealing with it more easily.
Past Sarah and current me still feel awful about the next day when we sort of avoided you when you tried to give us those gifts. And that was because she was too embarrassed to try and explain what happened. I'm not trying to make excuses for her, I don't feel like she deserves any sympathy, I feel she acted like an absolute ***** still.
So now you will never know because you are never going to read this.
Hoping we can be friends again,
Future Sarah
OKAY, had to put that second letter in, because it still bothers me. Sorry for the dumb high school drama, he was a good friend and I kind of ruined everything by ditching and not speaking about it. This theme was a good excuse to write that letter I was going to write in my physical journal. And I had a really tough time trying to deal with all those issues because they all kind of surfaced at once, I never really had to deal with them before until those couple weeks.
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