There are a lot of things that I know I should do, but I don't.

Some of them I don't do because I'm just plain lazy.

I know that I should get more exercise, both for the health benefits, and because the endorphins will help increase happiness and reduce stress, which would probably make some of the other things on this list easier.

I know I should start doing homework (especially major things like studying for exams) ahead of time so that I don't end up scrambling at the last minute, but I just have a really hard time motivating myself to start things when it feels like I still have lots of time left.

Other things I don't do because I'm too busy.

In this category, mostly I don't spend enough time with my friends.  I know I should see them more, and I'm always happy when I do see them, but I have a hard time justifying taking the time off when I always seem to have a massive to do list hanging over my head.

There are a lot of things that I don't do because I'm too scared.

Fear gets in the way of my social life a lot.  I eat lunch quietly in the atrium before rushing into the library, instead of going to the student lounge to hang out with everyone else.  When I go into classes I tend to sit down in the first empty seat I see, rather than looking around to see if there are any seats near the people that I know and sometimes hang out with.  And I don't like to go to any of the big social events organized by the school because they all tend to be the loud-noisy-crowded-drunken-mingly type things and I get too worked up about people being in my personal space and I worry that I won't know anyone there or that the people I do know will have more interesting people to talk to and that somehow I'll end up hovering around awkwardly by myself.  So that's probably something I should work on.

There are also things that I avoid doing for all three of these reasons.

Mainly, this is creative things, like writing.  I really love writing and I enjoy doing it and in my idealistic dream world I would be able to make a career of it someday, but I really don't do it very often.  Partly I'm too busy and always prioritize my schoolwork first.  Partly I'm too lazy and just don't write because it's so much easier to use my downtime to watch TV.  Partly I'm too scared that I'm never going to be good enough and I'll never make it as a writer and so I just don't do it because that way I'll never have to confront failure.

Okay, I feel like my post was angsty too.  Maybe this is just a really angsty theme.

Mice Facing Dragons

There are a lot of things that we know we should or need to do. And sometimes we do what we know we should and sometimes we run away like mice from the local feline. Or maybe we get distracted by a beautiful piece of cheddar, and that cheese happens to be a part of a humane mouse trap, except that the mouse trap is not as humane as it appears. And while we're distracted by that one piece of cheese, either the trap or the cat is closing in, whichever happens first.

I have a bad habit of running away from things. My brain knows it, my subconscious tries very hard to plant not so subtle messages into my dreams in order to get me to stop running away and procrastinating. I remember vividly this one specific and obvious dream about having a dragon egg. Someone told me I should get rid of the egg, but I didn't really listen because I hadn't had many bad experiences with eggs before. Except that the egg hatched and it was a dragon. The dragon kept getting bigger and more violent. So I ran around a lot, down roads, through towns, I hid in the church I went to as a kid and some other buildings, but that didn't work and there was just a lot of destruction.

Then I woke up.

My brain really wanted to drill a certain message into my conscious thoughts.

I still haven't learned that lesson. For instance, I know I should study calculus because of how necessary it is for, not only my grades now, but for what I want to do with my life. I should also do my homework to help get into my top colleges, but I am afraid to do my work because I'm afraid to acknowledge the hole I'm digging for myself by not. And thus the hole gets deeper.

I should confront my anxieties (you all must be sick of me bringing this up in posts all the time). I have to be medicated to enter my English class and I have breakdowns at the mention of a medical procedure. I'm just far too scared to actually confront the reasons for them. It's difficult. It's so much easier to just not get check-ups, not admit to any symptoms, to just hide away and not deal with it, whether the underlying reason is a fear of exposure, judgment or a trust issue, I don't know. But I know that like the dragon from my dream, those anxieties and fears are just going to get worse later on when I really do need see a doctor and I could end up getting something I might not have had I been able to confront these issues before. Yet I just keep putting it off.

Those are the two major things on my mind right now. Sometimes I feel like a mouse facing a dragon. I try to take steps in the right directions, yet I know most of the time I'm not putting my all into it. In the end, I need to get up and do what I know I should.

Aw man. this feels angsty. Disregard any angsty tones that may or may not be perceivable as I am too lazy to edit this. Thanks. :D