Capturing Time

(I really liked how Sarah included photos in her post, so I was going to do that too, but then most of my items ended up being things I didn't actually physically have, so I decided not to bother)

The first item I would put in would be a list of all my best friends that I hope I'm still friends with in 10 years, along with photographs of all of them to remind me just how much I love them, and their current contact information in case I need to try to track them down. That way even I'm not in touch with some of them any more I can reminisce about all the good times I had, and try to get in touch with them to catch up.

I would want to put in a copy of my last NaNoWriMo novel. This would remind my future self that this is what I wan to be doing. Also hopefully it will be a reminder to her of how far she's come (and besides, maybe she'll actually be able to do something worthwhile with it).

I would put in this gavel I have that's made of duct tape. It's from where I worked last summer, a lot of people had summer birthdays and we had a tradition of giving everyone presents made of duct tape, so at the end of the summer they gave all the students a duct tape present that was somehow related our education/interests. So I got a gavel. I want to put it in my time capsule in case my future self needs a reminder that I was at one point excited about going to law school and that I was a bit of an idealist about it and how I was going to help people. Plus it would remind me of that job and those people and all of the duct tape shenanigans and the silly pranks.

I would also include a copy of my first ever YouTube video. Joining a collab channel was a pretty spontaneous decision and I was really nervous about it at first. But it ended up being a lot of fun, and I've become good friends with the other people involved and no one has said (yet) that my videos were stupid or anything like that. So it's a good reminder that sometimes I just need to be brave and put myself out there.

And the last one would be my jar of shells and beach glass. I've always lived very close to the ocean, and I can't imagine ever living far away from it. I want my future self to remember that, and plus they'll be a comfort to her if she isn't living near the ocean. Also most of them I collected during a beach day with some friends, so they have nice nostalgic memories, too.

I feel like there should probably be more things to go in there, but that's all I can think of for now, so I guess that will have to do.

This letter is addressed to myself in September of 2008.

Dear Past-Katie,

I know you feel like you're having a pretty rough go of things at the moment, but I have an unfortunate piece of news for you: you're bringing a lot of it on yourself. Luckily, I have a few pieces of advice that could help make things a lot easier.

First, be honest. I know you think you're sparing his feelings by hiding the truth from him, but you're not. Making up excuses is actually making it harder in the long run. Also, you know you're bad at lying, so why are you even trying? Just tell him what the problem is, and the whole thing will be over a lot sooner.

Second, don't run away from things that are difficult. You always run away from your problems, you always have, and to be honest, you till do it sometimes even where I am in the future. You are doing this in two ways right now. One of them is the same problem as above. That is going to be a hard conversation, but you need to do it anyway. The second hasn't actually happened yet, but you need to be ready for it.

The thing you want so badly is going to be a real possibility next month. That's right. He likes you too. But I put it off because you screwed the above situation up so bad that it's too messy at the time. And even after that, I shut the door more or less permanently because I was scared. Scared of the commitment, scared of ruining your friendship, scared that it won't work out... Don't do that. The decision I made was just as bad. If you do run away, at the very least have the decency to tell him that, because that little bit of awkwardness and tension created by leaving things hanging takes a very long time to go away.

One final note: I know you feel like everyone's abandoned you, but it turns out a lot of them weren't having the easiest time just then either. So, pick up the phone and call them, show up at their houses, do whatever it takes, just don't always wait for them to come to you first. Also, don't worry so much about making new friends to hang out with on campus. That does come, in time, slowly and gradually, so just let it happen. It's probably better to pay a little more attention to your old friends instead, and hold onto them a little tighter.

Sincerely,

Future-Katie

There are a lot of things that I know I should do, but I don't.

Some of them I don't do because I'm just plain lazy.

I know that I should get more exercise, both for the health benefits, and because the endorphins will help increase happiness and reduce stress, which would probably make some of the other things on this list easier.

I know I should start doing homework (especially major things like studying for exams) ahead of time so that I don't end up scrambling at the last minute, but I just have a really hard time motivating myself to start things when it feels like I still have lots of time left.

Other things I don't do because I'm too busy.

In this category, mostly I don't spend enough time with my friends.  I know I should see them more, and I'm always happy when I do see them, but I have a hard time justifying taking the time off when I always seem to have a massive to do list hanging over my head.

There are a lot of things that I don't do because I'm too scared.

Fear gets in the way of my social life a lot.  I eat lunch quietly in the atrium before rushing into the library, instead of going to the student lounge to hang out with everyone else.  When I go into classes I tend to sit down in the first empty seat I see, rather than looking around to see if there are any seats near the people that I know and sometimes hang out with.  And I don't like to go to any of the big social events organized by the school because they all tend to be the loud-noisy-crowded-drunken-mingly type things and I get too worked up about people being in my personal space and I worry that I won't know anyone there or that the people I do know will have more interesting people to talk to and that somehow I'll end up hovering around awkwardly by myself.  So that's probably something I should work on.

There are also things that I avoid doing for all three of these reasons.

Mainly, this is creative things, like writing.  I really love writing and I enjoy doing it and in my idealistic dream world I would be able to make a career of it someday, but I really don't do it very often.  Partly I'm too busy and always prioritize my schoolwork first.  Partly I'm too lazy and just don't write because it's so much easier to use my downtime to watch TV.  Partly I'm too scared that I'm never going to be good enough and I'll never make it as a writer and so I just don't do it because that way I'll never have to confront failure.

Okay, I feel like my post was angsty too.  Maybe this is just a really angsty theme.

I guess it's a good thing my parents like me.

I would describe myself as stubborn.  I consider this both a good and bad thing.  The same goes for the fact that I am a huge introvert.  I am easily overwhelmed, easily upset, and overly anxious.  I am absolutely horrid at making decisions.  I would almost always rather listen than talk, but when I do talk I want people to be listening, I hate being interrupted and I really hate repeating myself.  I used to be a perfectionist but it was too stressful so now I'm just a slacker.   Except really I'm still a perfectionist who doesn't bother trying which is the same as being a slacker who feels guilty all the time.  I tend not to enjoy doing things I'm bad at, and I don't take criticism very well.   I feel like I'm still looking for my place in the world, and I just don't quite fit properly anywhere.  As is somewhat evident from this list, I tend to be a  hard on myself and don't think I have very many positive traits.  I'm pretty good at being happy most of the time, I guess.

My best friend has told me on several occasions that I have "the patience of a saint."  I've also been described as a 'silly catalyst' because as soon they're around me they start doing ridiculous things.  Also probably that I'm pretty silly myself.  I'm generally pretty agreeable about doing whatever other people want to do.  I think they would also say I can be a little distant at times, and I'm not super great at keeping in touch.  And I can be a little whiny at times.

For the 'enemy' portion, I'm going to go with "things an ex-boyfriend said in post-breakup emails" (and some things he didn't say but I think were evident from the way I acted, so they were probably implied), since that's pretty much the nearest thing I have to an enemy.  I run away from my problems.  I don't like talking about my emotions, and I if I'm trying to avoid telling people something I think will hurt them, I will push them away in a way that only ends up hurting them more.  I am bad at taking responsibility for my actions.  I say hostile things without thinking it through and then try to apologize for them later.  If I'm mad at someone or I am trying to avoid them, I tend to make them feel worthless.

Challenge accepted: Punishment (and awful poetry) complete

I'm not sure whose idea it was to make writing a blog in iambic pentameter a punishment, but as soon as I saw it, all I could think was: challenge accepted!

This is my second late blog, so I'm due a punishment anyway. And I'm so, so sorry to submit you to this because not only am I just generally bad at poetry writing, iambic pentameter is a particular weakness. But just know: I'm saying that what I miss doing that I don't get to do as much as I'd like is to really be with people; not necessarily always have stuff scheduled but instead just to live life together, hang out, and... be friends.

On to awful poetry! (please don't laugh)

Reading and sleeping,
being creative,
cooking and thinking,
being productive.

These things I enjoy
don't tell the whole tale -
a sort of decoy -
of my life's detail.

Interaction with
lives of those dear;
friendship is no myth,
and helps me see clear.

I find myself blessed;
people stand time's test.

It's been too long

If there is one thing I enjoy but don't get to do very often it's hanging out with my best friend. I don't get to see him very much any more since I moved but we always try to find time to do stuff together. We've known each other since we were eight years old, so that's pretty much half my life I've known him, I think because we've known each other so long it makes it harder to be apart. He's a photographer so I often just go with him when he goes on photo shots.

There's lots of other things I like to do but don't get to, it's just I can't think of any right now. It's one of those things that you don't realise you miss until you do it again.

I'm really sorry this is so short but I'm not feeling very well.